Goans - No Vacancy in Goa

There was seething outrage. 

Someone on social media came across an advertisement by a multinational company based in Goa, advertising outside Goa, to interview people outside Goa for their plant in Goa. And yet, every year, thousands of Goans are forced to leave their homes and move outside Goa to make a living. Some of them move to other parts of India, some to other countries itself and some even take the extreme step of adopting a different nationality. They leave behind their families, their aged parents and take with them the heart wrenching pain of that separation.

At the same time, more and more of our limited lands are being acquired for Industrial estates under the excuse that they need to provide employment to Goans. Earlier at Verna, Khorlim, Kundaim, etc and now Tivim & Tuem.

Where is the disconnect? There are certain myths that need to be dispelled once and for all

Myth#1: Goans do not want to work in Goa

Most companies look at Goa as a place where they can recruit people for less. I have worked in the manufacturing sector for many years. Salaries in Goa are very low. Companies cruelly recruit people, then give them a ‘break’ and recruit them again. This way, they do not have to regularize them and pay them the fair wage that the law recommends. Unions are not very strong in Goa and this practice has been going on for decades. So, as a way out, these companies then recruit people from outside Goa. This way, you maximize profits.

Myth#2: There are no qualified people in Goa

In one of my earlier roles, I was meeting a vendor manufacturing in Goa for the first time at my office in Bangalore. Before I was formally introduced, I asked him why his whole team that had accompanied him had no Goans. He said that Goans are not educated enough and lack qualifications. I then gave him my business card. The sad situation is that not only are Goans ignored for jobs, many of the manufacturing units have become ‘camps’ for people from other regions. A company will have predominantly people from Karwar, another one will have people from Kerala and another will have North Indians. There is an unstated preference given by recruiters to those of their own regions. Anyone who has worked in Goa can verify this.

Myth#3: New policies will ensure that preference is given to Goans

There has always been talk of a percentage reservation to Goans. Whenever vast tracts of lands are acquired there is an assurance by the politicians and businessmen of X% or ‘preference’ to Goans. This has and is a promise by the BJP. This was a promise by the Goa Forward. Most Goans believe this. I once had a chat with one of the architects of the Industrial Promotion Board which is on a crazy spree to bring ‘development’ to Goa. I asked him if there is no mechanism to monitor how many Goans are employed. He said there are employee lists. Does the government monitor them? Can they be summoned if there is a complaint that a company is not hiring Goans ? Is there a body to monitor this? Shamefully, No, No and No.

We give up our lands in the hope of employment. Companies come to Goa using our land and resources and yet find that Goans are ‘not ready to work’, ‘not qualified’ or unwilling to work at very low wages, lower than those prescribed by law. It is time to force companies to share their employment statistics. High time.

Then why come to Goa ? Goa is not a free for all place that you exploit to crookedly maximize profits. Operate elsewhere where cheap but skilled labour is plentiful. Let us be.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation: 7 ways to make it happen

Over the last couple of days there has been much debate about forgiveness, especially with relevance to what happened at Raia. But this is not a new debate. The same debate comes up each time a criminal is hanged or he somehow escapes the law. We would be eager to forgive a politician but we would not be so eager to forgive a rapist. What determines how we forgive and when we can say the situation is forgiveness worthy?

For the victim:
1) Forgiveness sets the victim free. There is no doubt about this. Once you forgive, you move on. You heal. Always strive for this.
2) Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. The quote 'forgive and forget' is flawed. Learn from your experience and start afresh based on what you have learnt. If a situation or person continues to hurt you, you may forgive but you must walk away from them to protect yourself. Often people enslave themselves to a negative situation because of relationships, financial limitations, etc. These are your limitations that you need to work on and are separate from the situation causing you pain. An abused child needs to become independent and walk away from an abusive family. A physically beaten or mentally tortured woman needs to consider if it is worth supporting that marriage. A mother whose children suffer needs to consider if she needs to protect her children by fighting back or moving away.
3) Recalibrate your life. Most wicked people will prefer to stop talking, verbally abuse or gossip rather than discuss and sort things. Recognize that and reconfigure your life around these changes. If you keep clinging to the hope that other people will make things right, they win and you remain unhappy.
4) If the person doing you wrong approaches you for forgiveness, do not reconcile easily. Recognize if they are repentant. Recognize that they will do what is required to fix things. Do not give in to people who apologize just for the sake of it. They will hurt you again. Forgiveness is an expensive thing, it is not for cheap people.
5) When you reconcile do it with gladness. Invest time and effort in helping rebuild a new trust, faith and confidence. While you heal when you forgive, when reconciliation happens the situation heals. Never talk of the bitter past again
6) Pray, get help from counselling or even go to a doctor. You need to get out of this situation fast. For yourself. For those good people who still surround you.
7) Love yourself. You are far more valuable to waste yourself on people trying to pull you down.

For the aggressor:
1) Should you do wrong and feel the need to heal a situation spend time on reflection before apologies or wailing. Do not approach the person you believe you have wronged till you are ready.
2) There are three steps to an apology (From an Oprah show). I am sorry. It was my fault. How can I make it right?
3) Your apology has no meaning if you are not sorry. Where pride and ego abound, you won’t even get to this step. You will just be sitting and thinking of reasons why what you did was ok. These reasons when rethought after a few days will seem ridiculous even to you but will permanently damage efforts at reconciliation.
4) Your apology is a falsehood if it does not take ownership of the mistake you may have intentionally or inadvertently committed. An apology that goes "I am sorry but........" is no apology at all and will probably end up in an argument. Most attempts at reconciliation end here.
5) Make it right. This is the most important part of an apology. Make it right. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not free. If you stole a pen, give back two. If you missed a birthday, remember the next birthday and anniversary too. Remember you are wiping off the victims hurt by overcompensating with goodness. Common sense. Invest time and effort in helping rebuild a new trust, faith and confidence.
6) Most of us will apologize and get very upset that they are not forgiven. You cannot DEMAND forgiveness. You will have to make right as much as you believe balances the situation. If the person you have hurt does not agree to what you must do to make it right, then do your best and leave it. A word of caution though. Our ego often fools us into thinking that the little we give is a lot compared to what it actually is. People will rationalize with explanations such as, "At least he or she came, it must have cost them so much". You may be king of your castle but to the person you have hurt, you are someone that they do not value. A little humility goes a long way.
7) If the other person has hurt you too, that is a separate thing. It cannot be appended to your apology. "I am sorry but I was pushed to it....." is no apology at all either. Do right from your side.

One thing to remember is that in the end it is between the victim and the aggressor to work together and heal the 'situation'. Of all the people that you try to involve, most will laugh at you behind your back. We often get bulldozed into confusion by the people around us.
God is often invoked in such a situation and perhaps in the end it is only HIM who can change hearts. But God also remains the person most abused in this situation. When a man hits his wife, people quote 1 Peter 3:1-6. They forget 1 Peter 3:7. Childern suffering abuse will be forced to endure citing Ephesians 6: 1-3. Ephesians 6:4 will be forgotten.
This is the season of Lent. Forgive. Reconcile or move on. Be happy. That is God's ultimate will for us.

A Line for Alina

After a long day teaching at St. Lawrence Agacaim, when mama returned home at lunchtime she used to tell me anecdotes of her life at school. Though a little boy at Don Bosco’s  then,  I remember her telling me of a colleague called Alina who was much admired and resented at the same time. Resented for her innovative teaching methods that often strained the old school staff to keep up.  And yet much more admired for her dedication and selfless effort to make things happen. Be it in the subjects that she taught or the extra-curricular activities that she guided, there was always a spark towards guiding the simple students of that school to something far above the ordinary.

I remember being very delighted when this Alina Sousa whom I had not yet met, married Matanhy Saldanha who taught the senior section in my school. For the few years that I was at Don Bosco, Matanhy was perceived as a very stern teacher. Most of us little boys scurried for cover when the tall bearded figure strode quickly and purposefully towards his classroom.  When I left Don Bosco I had hardly interacted with Matanhy except for one or two odd biology lectures.

With Alina however it was quite a different story. My mother and she got along very well. I had a talent for oration and I used to participate in every available competition in school and outside. Very often these elocution competitions or debates were on current topics. One very popular topic those days was ‘The Konkan railway, a boon or a bane’. Most of my speeches came from Alina. Every year she would help out with a new topic. I won many competitions in those years but what mattered more was the wisdom I picked up as I delivered these orations. A young boy got a taste of the despair of a few enlighted Goans as they struggled to educate a sleeping Goa to the dangers that were creeping into our homeland. It left a very deep impression on me and even today I feel very strongly for causes related to the conservation of all things Goan.

This was the time when the tiatrists skipped their regular ‘bakaar-mundkaar’ scripts and spoke about stopping the sale of our lands to outsiders. Remo Fernandes sangs songs warning of the rape of Goa. On the streets, practically calling “Aux barricades” were Matanhy , Alina and the activists of those days. Protests were held all over Goa. Matanhy was the voice but Alina was always at his side. She walked with him as he led morchas, she courted arrest with him, endured police beatings and suffered many indignities for the sake of Goa and the Goan. Between the tiring job of a teacher giving more than 100% and an activist shuttling across Goa, she still managed to be a beloved wife. It is difficult to imagine one of that couple without the other. While most politicians have wives who base their existence either on spending their husbands ‘earnings’ or furthering their husbands political rise, here was a woman who was partnering with her husband, fiercely fighting together with him for the ramponkars, for the environment and for related burning issues.

When I did meet her I was in awe at the delicate, graceful, queenly figure always fashionably dressed. I should have known that the stateliness of the tigress only compliments her ferocity.

Both Alina and Matanhy have since been guests at most of our family functions. In fact when I met them last at my nephews Christening in October 2010, I was pleasantly surprised by Matanhys eagerness to work with young people like me based outside Goa. In the subsequent months, he went further to share some of his views and communications with us on e-mail, some of which we managed to publish in the Global Goan newsletters that I work on with Rene baretto, another son of Cansaulim.

Today when the gods have decreed that Matanhy was needed elsewhere it would have seemed the end of a legacy for all who did not know this couple. To those who knew them there was not a shred of doubt that Alina would be now the voice of the same causes they supported, just as much as the left hand takes over when the right is unavailable though they have always existed together.

Alina is now the Cortalim MLA but she does not pick up the banner that Matanhy carried………she was carrying it together with him all along.

Eulogy To Fallen Oaks

Most amongst us will live the plain lives we live. And on our passing, we will be remembered as souls much loved and cherished by their kith and kin. Surely, it is a wonderful land blessed thing to be loved and remembered by your family and friends.

But yet, there are others who while they live, even their seemingly mundane existence, create something far bigger, something alike to a banyan tree where many a stranger can take rest. By the sheer generosity of their personality, creating worlds so big that there is place to welcome all peoples, people much starved for the magic that these great magi have created. Such people on their passing remain no longer mere human beings who have left us but great institutions. Institutions, that will no longer be available to us in person but only in memory.

My family has had the fortune to know a few such souls and the greater misfortune of having seen three such leave us between Christmas and today.

Donna Ida Gonsalves as we knew her was perhaps the last of the great ‘matriarchs’ of a generation that saw the Portuguese leave Goa. As a little boy attending violin classes with my sister at Santa Cruz, I had a long wait before Papa finished work and could pick us up. We walked to Donna Ida’s home and waited there. Donna Ida was blessed with many children and with the responsibility of upbringing some of her children’s children. But she had place for more. I remember walking through the gate and finding jackfruit preserves drying outside, ‘batica’ being served in the verandah and cake and doce on the table. Donna Ida would rush out and giving us a big hug rush to feed us off her infinite larder of food and drink. Many a mother would have done the same but Donna Ida’s went beyond that. 

It was impossible for a friend, a friend’s friend or even a stranger to enter that house and not leave without enjoyed something of her motherly hospitality. Even more astonishing are the sheer numbers of people in their hundreds who must have known her hearth. When her son entered politics and her other children rose to socially prominent positions, the number of visitors increased manifold and yet that spirit was never found lacking. The vast amount of fruits from her estates seldom found their way to the market. They were sent off to all that she knew, relatives, friends, priests, neighbors, the poor and needy. At every wedding, at every funeral, at every birth, at every mourning, Donna Ida would know what traditional custom needed to be followed, what needed to be done or sent.  The hundreds of people at her funeral, from the poor to the polished, from the priest to the sinner, bear testimony to how even the life of a simple housewife can be lived in a fashion grander that many an empress.

A few days before her, Donna Ida’s brother the now famous Maestro Anthony Prabhu Gonsalves passed away. I never met him in person but his was a hollowed and whispered name in our family. A genius, a great musician to emulate and a role model for us children. His graceful wife Melita visited my house whenever she was at her own home nearby. We would look at her in awe as someone who was connected to this legend. The sheer genius of this man was uncovered only recently a few years back when I was researching him for my article on him in a local newsletter. A man way before his time in music, he was named as one of India’s finest violinists in his time and worked with legends like S D Burman and Laxmikant-Pyarelal.  In April 1958, he founded a 110-member Symphony Orchestra. , which performed in the quadrangle of St Xavier's College, Mumbai, and Bharatiya Vidya Bhavan, Chowpatty, featured singer Manna Dey and Lata Mangueshkar. He paid for it himself ! 

Far back in those days he was one of the pioneers blending his knowledge of western music from Goa with the exposure he received to Hindustani classical. And creating something of a class and genre never known before! Sadly for many years, he lived in obscurity. However, thanks to a few wonderful Goans, he received some recognition in his declining years. Perhaps for reasons similar to those for which Gandhi never received the Nobel Peace, he too never received national awards and recognitions awarded generously to those of much smaller stature and merit. But those citations do not make great men; so Anthony did not need them to become the legend he now is.
In a strange twist of coincidence, the parish of Santa Cruz where Donna Ida lived also lost their parish priest Fr. Cristovao Caldeira. The Reverend who is from my village andhis family and my family’s association goes back generations. He was a priest who being a man of the cloth had a soul as pure and white to match. In these troubling times when the Church often groans under scandal and shame, here was a priest who lived above it all. At home we had always hoped to see him someday donn purple; he reminded us so much of the benevolent Bishop Myriel from Victor Hugo’s ‘Les Miserables’. Like Bishop Myriel, he lived a life of a simplicity almost in shocking contrast to this learning and eminence in the ecclesiastical hierarchy. I recollect how he, much to our regret, was seldom available on his birthday; preferring to retreat to a secret quiet place and spend time in prayer rather than host grand celebrations that his parish would have loved to supply. 

Ever smiling and always with a kind word he never refused a kind word or an act of generosity to anyone who he saw needed it, long before they even had to ask. The nippy ‘Santro’ wizzing from village to village, from patriarchal palaces to poor hovels, he was the Lord’s labourer hard at work in the Lord’s vineyard. I hear he died at the hospital where was carrying the last sacraments to a patient. For a Christian what greater death could there be but that while bring the Lord to those that needed Him

As is often the case, I along with many others lament how we did not spend more time with these wonderful institutions. To have lived and shared time with them would probably have added fertility to our sometimes dry and parched existence. While we light candles and lay wreaths at their graves we must remember that it is no longer our praise that they need. On the contrary, they leave us anecdotes and stories of how they lived their larger lives. We must rush to listen, absorb and learn before the finer details are lost in time. Such has been the purpose of this writing and I pray that many more will add their own experiences with these pillars of society to my own.

Tum Bhi Anna, Main Bhi Anna ! You are Anna, I am Anna !

As a child I was brought up in a nation where everyone exclaimed that the ‘country is going to the dogs’! I grew up to be the young man accepting that. I REFUSE to believe it for a day more after today !

Over the last 8 days I have seen an old man stubbornly defy the government and follow in the footsteps of Gandhi using his models of non-violent protest and fasts. What was most moving however was to see India rise to rally around him in a movement whose only parallel is perhaps the fight for Independence itself.

Today we joined in a human chain in the IT Park where I work and it was with awe that I saw Vice Presidents and Office boys joining hands in their common cause. What inspires so many lakhs of people? Perhaps in every Indian who has long suffered (and perhaps indulged and accepted) corruption there is a seed of virtue still alive. This is perhaps a seed from the same tree that made India a mighty civilization thousands of years before the west had even seen rudimentary development. The world salutes us today as we stand up as a nation to make an attempt to control corruption.

And yet in the glory of the moment it is sad to see some who try to belittle these efforts and try to hitch a free ride to publicity by trying to stand out by offering a contrary view. Worse for others, it is simply an excuse for their cowardice. One does not have to be in agreement with the wording, ambit and viability of the Janlokpal but here are a few views on how any person with strong values ought to behave and ought not to try to sully pure intent.

1) The India Against Corruption initiative draws inspiration from the Gandhian freedom struggle. When Gandhi gave a call to Non Co-operation, Civil disobedience or Quit India, would it have been right to make one’s support conditional to the future vision of India being exactly as that particular person envisioned it ? I do not think there is a single Indian worth his salt who will deny that our social system is rotting in corruption and a need to change that situation is essential. If it is established that we all share one view in our fight against corruption, then it would be best to establish and come out in this agitation in whatever way you can irrespective of your views on the Janlokpal

2) The Ombudsman that will emerge as a consequence of the Janlokpal being passed gets a lot of people afraid that there may now be a new institution with huge powers that may itself turn corrupt. Point taken, but this bill is being drafted by eminent people who are experts in their own right. Further it will be offered for discussion in Parliament (Even if it skips the standing committee). These stages would weed out any such unchecked open looks. If you feel such an Ombudsman could pose a risk, there was opportunity for you to interact with Anna and his team. That is where it would have mattered. But going around making public declarations that we do not support the movement because you feel this way is being an outright gossip.

3) Please remember that the Lokpal will take shape either ways. This is now a battle whether the government ‘Jokepal’ which will make corruption easier will get passed or a stronger Janlokpal will emerge. There is no third choice ! It is Jokepal vs Janlokpal

4) There is a view that the Janlokpal is not required. All we require is to strengthen of existing laws and making them tighter. I won’t try to argue a case here. If someone can do this, then we all agree that this legislation is not required. The problem is that nobody has a clue on how to do this ! So let us not make global statements. They have been made since Independence and look where we are today !

5) Some will tell you this is all no use. The system will always be corrupt. Even a dog will try to get out of the swamp that he has fallen into. Do not engage in discussion with such people. Take out a contribution, buy them a basket of fruits and send them a ‘Get Well Soon’ Card. Regrettably, these are the people who will reap the benefits of these efforts. Think of it as charity to the sick.

6) There will be lakhs who are ignorant or ill informed. I come across so many who have been victims of the counter campaign by those who will be affected by this legislation. Educate yourself on the Janlokpal and this movement. Only them do you have the right to speak for or against. The text and simple explanations on it, the advantages over the government legislation ‘Jokepal’ and the credential of Anna Hazare and his team are public information available at the effort of a Google search

7) Last and definitely the least are those who benefit from a corrupt society. They will make every effort to dissuade you from supporting you. This is not their battle.

The Lokpal was first introduced in 1968. Our legislators are still discussing it and we know why they won’t let it succeed.

Please remember that the Janlokpal will take shape either ways. This is now a battle whether the government ‘Jokepal’ which will make corruption easier will get passed or a stronger Janlokpal will emerge.

Sixty four years ago India awoke to Independence. Today India’s conscience awakes in you and me. Anna is a symbol of those who stand against corruption. I am Anna, are you?

No so 'Sussegad' after all !

The whole question rests on the context of being 'susegad'. The stereotype of being susegad applies to Goans being content with their surroundings and to living a full life, eating and drinking well and enjoying oneself.
In spite of this sometimes negatively taken appellation, a quick glance at history indicates that Goans have excelled far beyond the expectation of such a small portion of the population
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_from_Goa
Goa had trade links and was an established port trading with the Arabs long before the western influences reached Goa. In spite of the tyranny of the rulers and clergy, Goans soon earned the respect of the Portuguese through their brilliance and Industry. As early as 1757, the Prime Minister Marquês de Pombal and the King of Portugal, D.José I, signed a Royal decree granting all Portuguese Indians (Goa, Damão and Diu) Portuguese citizenship and equal status and rights under the law with the Metropolitan Portuguese. Neither the British, nor French, nor Dutch, had ever granted such a status to their Asian subjects. Goans went still further and shone in the major cities of Europe in all spheres of life.
Even while this was happening, they developed dance forms, music, social gatherings, festivals and lifestyles that allowed their souls to enjoy what the sweat of their brow had earned.
In a lot of other cultures in India such was not the case. Life stems around just work and any form of enjoyment is seen as something sinful and indicative of a susegad nature. Today, even in many MNC’s, people who work late and spend long hours at work (often for want of an alternative) are seen as most desirable employees.
If to work hard and party harder, makes me susegad, so be it! I am proud of it!
A lot of things are going wrong in Goa but this is more because of a decline in our value system and an indifference to our cultural identity. For many sad Goans, eating and drinking is the ethos of being Goan. Others like to be slaves to pseudo patriotism that is limited to lip service and watching war movies of soldiers defending boundaries. Still others are keenly involved in trying to bring down others who might be doing good but who do not suit their expectations or whose virtues arouse jealous sentiments in them. There is a rush to form fragmented groups and in this division we fall as is evidenced by the political scene in Goa. This has little to do with the susegad nature and is quite another story…………
I read a nice story a few days back which captures the sentiment of being susegad. Happy Reading
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A boat docked in a tiny fishing village.
A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long." they answered in unison.
"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"
The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.
"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life."
The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?"
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to the City ! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?"
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, " answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
"With all due respect sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now. So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?" asked the fisherman

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Why the Mona Lisa Smiles!

Disclaimer and Dedication: This Post is dedicated to all my wonderful lady friends, none of whom even remotely resemble the below (I hope). Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely Coincidental. Specially dedicated to that wonderful friend who offered me a stipend and free meals to be her ‘keep’ after marriage. I am still in shock.

Many, many years ago, a woman went shopping and came back with an apple from the Forbidden tree. Her dude, Adam was having a pretty chill time in Eden, enjoying an exhibitionist lifestyle, eating food of choice and drinking that amazing stock of one year old grape juice that they now call wine. Eve gave Adam a bite of this taboo fruit and got him into deep shit for no fault of his. I suspect she knew what she was doing all along cos the moment they ate the fruit, she had this urge to go shopping for clothes. Since Eden had limited design houses, specializing only in fig leaves, she decided to quit the place and scout around for a few thousand years till Gucci, Armani and Valentino gave them more options.
A few millennia later, nothing much has changed. While they were waiting, she just about forced him to have a few billion children. They can now choose their apple, be it ‘California Red’ or ‘Golden Delicious’. And she still shops for clothes and gets him to work hard to pay for them. Eves and Adams still date each other and hate each other with the same frequency. Eve still gets Adam into all sorts of mischief, never apologies and never gives a damn about Adam’s choice in the matter. The saga continues……………………..

In my half a lifetime of dealing with women, I have learnt exactly nothing! As sister, lover, friend, relative, etc they still remain an enigma.
To understand a woman is just about as hard as it to drive a stretch Limo on Indian roads. I am told I am very perceptive by nature, so here is a listing on how to handle certain situations which arise in your dealings with this ‘can’t live with, can’t live without’ aspect of a young man’s life.
>> GIRLFRIEND:She asks you, “How do I look?’:
Logically this would warrant a pretty frank answer based on your comparisons with certain magazines that you used to view a lot when in Hostel. But then you would not want to hurt her either.
So you tell her she looks good.
She turns around and asks you “Just good?”
Woopsie! Danger!!! This is the part where you are supposed to call 108 and get yourself admitted to a remote hospital in Bihar with absolutely no visitation hours. But you are a child of Adam and the Y chromosome just does not support this initiative, so you say
“Dropdead Gorgeous”
She stares at you and says, “You’re just saying this to make me happy”
“Honest, you say. You will make Marisa and Gabrielle so jealous!!!”
Something tells you that somewhere nearby, something akin to a pressure cooker explosion is about to happen. She gives you a 30 second stare and screams,
“Why do you have to think of Marisa now? I know you always had this thing for her. Don’t think I’m a fool (You chuckle inside). And Gabrielle? Why, she is such a wannabe. She dresses like a *&^% and she must have been dating the whole college and the staff !
Blah, blah, blah, blah, CRASH, blah, blah, blah, blah, SOB, blah blah blah!
You wonder why the Catholic Church does extend the Last Sacrament to situations like this. Eventually you head out for a drink and a fun night at the club with your chums!!!
>>GIRLFRIEND:You tell her, “I need to watch that game this afternoon”
“Sure”, she says
30 minutes into the second half of the game. Arsenal is already getting thrashed by MU. You can’t bear it!
Your heart is in your mouth as MU is about to open it’s score. Suddenly you hear
“Did you know, Tanya has dry skin?”
Huh? “No”, you grunt but the voice of doom persists
“She has been trying to know where I get my skin treated. She has been dying to get my secrets…………………..Are you listening?”
“Gimme 15 minutes, then we’ll talk!”
Woopsie! It would have been better the stadium had collapsed under the weight of those overfed English fans before you said that
“I just asked you as question, you never have time for me……………..” Shut your ears
“5 minutes is all I asked for, and you just watch that stupid game”. You turn off the TV.
“Why did you turn it off. You wanna make me feel guilty?”. You turn it on.
“See, football is all you care about, you don’t understand me at all. All my life………………………………….”
You suddenly feel like taking a 2 hour dump in the sanctuary of ‘loo’ and it saves your life!
>>SISTER: You ask her, “Can I borrow your hair dryer, Snoopy (the dog) got wet playing in the rain with us”
Monologue
“Snoopy got wet? Oh the poor darling. Look at him. He might catch pneumonia (or diphtheria, whooping cough, Parkinson’s etc etc)”
“Get him dry, quick. Why did you take him in the rain? YOU ALWAYS DO THIS”
2 minutes silence
“Why do you need my dryer? He is YOUR dog. Why should you use MY dryer? Why don’t you buy one. All that money that you waste on nights out with your rogue friends who look like holocaust survivors. Except for Edgar who is not bad looking and has a cute dimpled smile. Is he seeing someone? Why are you smirking? I’m just asking. Don’t you dare suggest something. Can’t I have my own life? It’s my life and my choice and you have no right to poke your nose. YOU ALWAYS DO THIS”
Snoopy gives a majestic sneeze
“Why don’t you dry him quickly? He already looks sick. Poor fellow, poor Snoopy, Snoopy, Baby, koochie koochie koo”
“Hey, why is he going into my room? Don’ you dare let him in! I won’t stand it. ALWAYS DO THIS. Just because Mama favours you does not mean you can do what you want. Don’t take me for granted just because I’m a girl. Girls can do anything these days”
30 second silence
“Can you carry out those boxes? They are too heavy for me and I may chip my fingernails”
>>MIDDLE AGED SINGLE WOMAN: You ask (You had cranial malfunction that day), “What plans for the weekend?”
Monologue again
“Nothing much”
3 minutes of thought!
“Maybe I’ll go shopping for a new dress. But I feel so guilty cos I have so many nice clothes, you know everybody looks at me only. They say, I look hot”
“They keep asking me to get married but you just can’t marry anyone you know. You have to be careful. I’d prefer to be single than marry just about anyone without knowing them first”
I recollect her daily visitations to Shaadi.com but decide not to mention it
“In fact, last year (I know for sure it was 5 years back), I got so many(Actually, only one) Valentine day cards from people (From Jason Pereira who looks like Winston Churchill and has passed 7th standard after seven attempts).But I think this is all rubbish, you know”
“Valentines, day is for children only. I don’t believe in all this. I will only see someone who looks like……………..maybe Chandler and should at least be a post graduate!”
Phone rings.
“Hello”
“Jason, I’m fine”
“Valentine’s day dinner? Sure, I’ll come”
My mind goes back to the sexy Renee Zelwegger and the Bridget Jones diary.

There is much more that can be said about these wonderful companions to Man. Truly God was ‘taking a dig’, at my ribs when he made them. And going by Genesis, that is literally true, I believe. No matter what you do, you always get it wrong. A few deviants do exist but those are all my dedicated friends and I reserve them for personal attentions and affections only. So buddies, you are doomed. Now you know why the Mona Lisa smiles. A woman always has the last laugh……………………………………………